Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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