Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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