i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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