I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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