the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
