I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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