I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
