i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
