At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
