Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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