Buhtt sex?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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