K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
