Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
