listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize