About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize