I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
