I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My feet surprised me
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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