I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
