I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
