I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
