she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
