the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
