I'm so fucking centered right now
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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