If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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