I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize