The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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