omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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