I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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