listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
