What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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