the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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