When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
