I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
