You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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