You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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