the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
