An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
