I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
