hotel room ftw
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
