I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
