Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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