she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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