She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
