I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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