Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
