i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
