i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
