four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
