my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
