I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
