Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
