I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
