and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
