Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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